Inhitions and promises...

Many of us enjoy seeing something taking place in front of our eyes and wonder wish if we could do something similar… Mostly we stop ourselves from doing that because of the age old inhibitions that is there inside us or which has been cultivated by us… Why can’t we do what we just want to do and be happy in life? Why can’t we just give away all out inhibitions and do which our heart wants us to do? Why do we always hold ourselves back? I am no exception, at least till sometime back I used to be what the others were like… Take for example the movie Honeymoon travels… The Bengali wife wanted to fly the parachute kind of thing and she did just that not caring about what others might think, though initially hesitant to go on the ride with the sari, her friend helped her to make her feel happy! Sometimes some words can do wonder… And when she came down, she was so happy and so satisfied that she didn’t even care that she was not wearing the right clothes… What I am trying to say is why we can’t do what we want to… Why can’t people who know that we would love to do something but just holding ourselves back give us that encouragement and spirit so that we do what we want to and thereby become smarter and confident? Also I wonder how genuine are the claims like, I am not scared of anything, do whatever you want to, I don’t care etc. etc. statements? Those who make those comments, are they not really scared about anything in life? The Mountain Dew advertisement tried to portray this idea very nicely and I kind of liked it and think it’s very true that everyone fears something or the other and we fear to do or perform the new things, the challenging task before us…Though our heart says ‘go go go…’ something just stops us… It may be the unknown fear which gropes us or inhibition about what others might think; mostly it’s the former if it’s something challenging or new… If we can give up that fear and try doing that new challenging thing, I am sure it’ll give all us immense happiness even if we do not succeed to perform the task…

The thing which I am trying to convey is to do what you want to… Don’t care what the society will think… Let them go to hell… But don’t do something out of the way too…!

And yes, have realized that promises are meant to be broken! Before I came to Delhi, some people promised to spend a lot of time with me, but then they were the ones who were very busy to attend the phone call even… Happens… :)

Complexities....

What defines me? This is something which has been going on in my mind, doesn’t carry much of meaning, but yeah I am trying to find an answer…

A quiet day spent thinking and the more I thought the more questions I had and I found the answers to most of them J… The other’s I am still looking for!

I abused the person who discovered the concept of suspicion, the concept of jealousy -- because it turns some of the best relations bitter, sour, acetic, salty etc etc... So much so that people stop talking, even stop seeing each others face and sometimes even turn their back! Have we ever thought of how much of space suspicion occupies in our heart / mind? What are the implications of occupying so much memory?

I know the consequences, because I have been the victim of suspicion both ways – have been suspected and have been suspecting. First, you become tremendously in secured about the person about whom you are suspicious. You have this suppressed anger, a billion questions to ask the person and with each passing moment the number of question increases, you are always irritated and that sweet smile which used to be there on your face is lost somewhere and you have a frown which is not at all appreciable… Negativity sets in and there is an urge to do something nasty (at times)… Now why do we suspect, well I have suspected because I was too hesitant to ask question thinking about what the other person might think and what could be the possible consequence of asking that question. Come on friends, let’s understand this simple thing that there is no harm asking questions and clarifying all the doubts that you might have... It prevents bitterness to creep in, it stops misunderstandings to set it (yes, suspicion is a major cause of misunderstandings) and so on and so forth... Those who are questioned, they feel that they are being suspected, but understand the insecurity / reason behind asking that question. Why can’t we make an attempt to help the other person get rid of this suspicion so that we all can live happily? We just need to talk to each other; we need to spend time with each other… Are we so busy that we cannot even spend some time with our loved ones? Well, spending less time is definitely not the only reason for suspicion… And yes, there can be instances where one suspects the other without any rhyme or reason, I really don’t know how to deal with those, but would like to know such a ‘creature’ for a very short span of time…Because in the long run, they can be a major pain!

I have realized that it’s always a good deal to speak your mind and get the answer of all the questions that you might have… I have seen that suspicion arising out of spending less time, the anger; the frustration arising out not getting the adequate attention can be taken care of if we spend some time with the loved one….! Getting your doubts clarified can get you back that beautiful smile, can give you back that mental peace and can make you happy and make you love…

I have realized that no matter how big we become, we need to spend time with someone… But for me, who is this someone? I am yet to hit the bull’s eye…

My eyes are still hunting for that someone…

Be the change...

I don’t know in what ways I have changed over the last one year but one thing is for sure that I continue to be still lonely and still live alone. I still continue to talk less and don’t reveal myself. I don’t mind staying alone, but loneliness is not desirable. This loneliness or staying alone has helped me explore myself better and has made my ambitions and how to achieve them clearer. I now have a better perspective of life and a better understanding of how things work and are likely to work in the future. Making sense, or too philosophical? Me and philosophical, well I better not say anything.

My trip to Calcutta has been a pleasant one so far where I met up everyone and realized how people have changed over time. Ok, let me put it this way, may be they were that way but I didn’t realize that they were such. Some people continue to be the same and have that genuineness while others look and sound extremely materialistic and selfish / opportunist, so much so that you start hating them after a point of time. But yes, its nice observing them and understanding the fact that you have realized the fact that they are not what you thought them to be or they have changed. What makes me sad is that the people whom I thought to be really selfish a year or two back are not actually so. I never took them on their face value but now I repent that I should have taken them on their face values. This trip has been interesting in terms of me loosing self control and indulging in some not so pleasant acts, leaving me feeling guilty for quite sometime! There are a few people who claim that they know me, but I wonder if they really know me or they are just trying to be nice to me or they are making an honest effort to know me and understand me. They feel that I am very predictable and easy to be understood, but have they ever peeped into my thought process ever, no I guess! Ok, may be they understand some parts of me, so I should not try to falsify their claims. Also I want this year and my last two semesters in DSE to pass by smoothly and healthily because it means a lot to me, primarily because I have woven a dream in the last two days and I can make it come true only if I manage to exist successfully in DSE.

I have also promised to myself to take a different view of life, to accept people the way they are not change them in anyway, something which I did all these years. Have promised myself to start implementing the policy of live and let live policy, which I believed but never implemented! Have promised myself to enjoy life and enjoy the little things in life and look at the positive side of it.

To make this list of long promises short, I am tired of myself and want to rejuvenate myself completely and want to evolve as a new person a new human being…

Lets see where I land up in the coming two months and how far can I change myself in these months. But yes new place, new people and new environment should help me change myself..

And yeah, those concrete and abstract thoughts will show up soon in this space, interested ones can keep watching this place!