Questions..

What do you expect out of a relationship?

Stability or intensity…?

Is it a must…?

Why is it that people who have had their heart break continue brooding over the past…?

Why is it that people think of their past relationship and compare it with their present…?

Why can’t we think of our partner as being an individual and continue with it…?

Why is it that some people do not have faith in what they do, as in, why is it that they are not farsighted?

Why do most of us feel that a relationship is not meant to last…?

Why don’t we believe in ourselves…?

Why don’t we have faith in what we do and have faith and trust in our partners…?

Is the world such a bad place that we cannot have anything permanent…?

Why are people used so brutally and then thrown away…?

Why are people not grateful to those who have been through their thick and thin…?

Revivial of faith...

Its been sometime that I wasn't believing in my dreams, wasn't believing in myself... Remember the blog where I had raised the question if I would ever fall in love...?

Life has taken me thorough a series of ups and downs and I have taken some selfish decisions... I have started believing in myself and my dreams.... It feels to good think again in the way I always wanted to...

I don't know if I will call it a coincidence or what, but yeah what is happening to me is actually making me feel good...

Though to make myself feel good, I had to make some people feel bad, but at the end of the day I do care for them and am with them through their tough times....

It feels good to have your faith revived and to have self confidence back... But yes with these things back I have some more things to take care off... Somethings to decide and some answers to find...

B.A.C.K

Have been sleeping for sometime and thought I will just pen down stuff which has happened in the last couple of months… College this year is much fun than it was last year and I am liking it, if not enjoying to the full extent… Term paper, ShARE work, classes and hanging around is actually keeping me busy and not giving me any time to think about myself, good in one way that I do not have to crib about my past and my present state…

People claim that I am a pretty disgusting person who irritates others a lot, who uses others a lot just for his vested interest, who is pathetically shameless J. I like criticisms because its good to hear something other than straight forward and rude… Those adjectives have become pretty old and mundane too… May be my diplomacy has crossed all limits that I have become shameless J. But yes, I wish, the lesser mortals could understand such… Being superficial and not letting others peep inside me has been my nature and its nothing new… Because I shudder that once I let you peep inside me I will be shattered during a phase of emotional downturn… People fail to see the sensitive side of me, the beautiful side of me, the different myself… sob sob!

After coming back to Delhi, I have realized that its only 7 more months of living this dream – Delhi School of Economics… When I go back to my second year of college I just remember how much I wanted to be in this place and now when I see myself, I realize that its another 7 months… I want to make the most of it so that I can recollect each moment in my vacant and pensive mood… When lonely and with no company these memories bring back a smile on your frown face… And for lesser mortals like me, these memories are not associated with any pains….

Things are looking different and also beautiful and clueless too… Wonder why….? Keep wondering !

Hours..

Jo called me a hyper case the moment I posted my last blog.. But let me tell you guys it doesn’t concern me in anyway… It’s about a friend whom I met after a long time and this change is pertaining to him.. What surprised me about him was once a shy and simple guy having strong moral values, doing stuff like this is kind of strange to me. So I just wanted to know if you guys also feel that way or not…

It’s been almost 6 days I am in Kolkata, sitting back at home and sleeping. Trying my best to help mom and dad so that things with my folks are in a comfortable situation once I go back to hell. Have been watching some movies off late… The Hours -- heard so much from so many people that I decided to watch it. I managed to get hold of the VCD after a lot of hard work. I had to watch the movie twice to understand it almost completely. I must say that apart from the beautiful plot which deals with the one day ( few hours actually) life of three unhappy women, the dialogue’s are very strong…They explained some mundane concepts with great subtlety -- happiness is a moment and not a phase… Mrs. Dalloway throws a party to cover the silence… No one couldn’t have been happy than the two of us… It goes on to explain the importance of that one person in your life and how things start looking meaningful in his or her presence… And when you think back every other moment spent in the company of others appears to be so stupid and meaningless… Beautiful movie, demands some attention, because the dialogues are important to feel and understand the movie…

At the same time, I have been missing my work place a lot and the people around me… There was so much to learn and grasp in the last two months… I spoke to a friend today who is still there and she feels the same way… She was also feeling bad to leave the place. I don’t know what magic has been spelled on us, but all of us seem to have a heavy heart when we are about to leave… Is it the work place only or the magic of Mumbai also…? I am sure that this feeling and realization will further intensify once we get back to Delhi, our old Delhi! The best part of my two months stay was that I regained my capacity to think, which I lost completely after joining Delhi School and wish to maintain that and not loose it again…

Questions....

He was standing in front of the mirror to realize that he is 23 and that things will get worse from now on -- in terms of looks. His hard work, his dedication to get that attractive look will all go in vain. He did all this to find the right girl for himself, someone to fall in love with. But he failed in the last couple of years…

23 and still single -- believes that life ends at 35 and that one should do and see and experience everything in life. Frustrated and tired he decided to get into a relationship with a gorgeous and smart girl -- he wants to be normal. Normal is a subjective word, but he defines it in a way which means that not to lead a celibate life and be like what many of the modern Indian youths are doing.. He wants to be in a relationship for the heck of it, no feelings from both sides, only lust probably and the madness involved with the idea of falling in love…

Is he justified to do what he is doing? Isn’t he being too pessimistic bout life? Isn’t the change he is undergoing not a change for the better future? I want you to reply to it seriously.

Anxiety awaits...!

With a heavy heart I left office on 29th evening. The experience was good, the learning was excellent. It’s not so easy to get away with what you love and its actually a major pain, something which I have been through in the past, something I would look forward to in the future… The experience of going to the airport on 30th was equally enticing! With incessant downpour and will scarce public transport plying on that day, things were even more challenging. Roads becoming river, NGO’s trying to help smooth out the entire process of commuting and rescue, kids playing on the roads were a welcome sight! Moving around with your own bag and watching the frustrated passengers at the airport and the airport officials desperate attempt to answer the frustrating passengers was a good time pass! The flight finally took off at 9.00pm to reach at around 11.30pm. Just like I was emotional to leave home last year, it was emotional for me to leave Mumbai and my workplace. I loved my work and enjoyed every moment spent in Mumbai. Some of the things were not upto my expectations but they were compensated by many of the other good things which have happened to me during my stay. Good that I came back on 30th evening to know that things at home are not just fine and I have to work towards it with the rest of the members to help improve the condition at home and to help mom and dad to ease much of the tension they are going through. We two brothers are doing just that and hope to tide over the crisis in a short time…

Two months, the best two months of my life in the last 4 years, were so good that I cannot probably explain it in words… To all, enjoy Mumbai and feel the positive vibes the city sends out…

Back home and soon will be back to hell, period of tension and anxiety awaits me from the 16th… Will my new self help me tide over the situation.. The questions is haunting me… The answer is awaiting…!

R = Ronit R= Romance

My last blog seemed to have been a pretty depressing and hence so many, why, what, how, when etc. questions coming in… Yes it was depressing because a few incidents did turn me off, but then again you get along with life because nothing stops because you are hurt… All that you can do is to learn from your experiences and make it a point that it is never repeated… That’s what I did and like Srijita said, I should start trusting people, I do trust people, but there are things other that trust which can affect you, something which is apparently less important than trust but can be more painful. But the good part is that its now over and I have grown stronger!

Things are going good and the feeling of satisfaction still rules over me…Dance bar experience to getting heady with friends on a night when its drizzling and the cool breeze is blowing -- was just amazing. In a weather where its drizzling, cool breeze is blowing and everything is silent you would probably love to be with someone and enjoy those moments of togetherness and enjoy the serenity of the weather outside and the warmth of the situation! The weather was so damn romantic that it would turn an unromantic bastard to God of Love, Romance, Passion etc etc..

The dance bar experience needs special mention and I know a lot many conclusions will follow, but I would love to hear them…!

We all decided that we would go for dinner and as planned we decided to go to the Dhaba’s which are there on Wadala Road. Reaching there we saw that it was bustling with people and there were innumerable Dhaba’s in that area. All of the Dhaba’s proudly announced “BAR AND RESTAURENT” and “AC AND NON AC”. It was very humid and so we chose to go for the AC part of the B&R. A guard awaited at the shady gate and another inside. We were directed upstairs towards a locked room which has frosted glass. We could hear loud music and could see some lights flashing. The guard, on being enquired said that orchestra is being played and we were all delighted to enjoy the music. The door was unlocked and to our surprise we saw three ‘beauty queens’ dancing and singing. Shocked and surprised we were, we didn’t know what to do and decided to tactfully deal with the situation and left the place in a few minutes to go to the bar part of the shady place, which was on the ground floor. We stayed there for a while and tried to get over the shocking experience we had a while back and then left for another amazing place which was extremely costly but it probably had the best décor I have seen in the recent times!

So on the whole it was a different sort of experience and since that experience I have been observing all places having B&R tag and it seemed to me that most of them have a part which would entertain their customers!

Strange city, strange experience….for a change!

Wonder If I....

I wonder if I can ever fall in love…

I wonder if I’ll ever get some genuine and good friends…

I wonder if I’ll get someone who will have something called self-control…

Wondering, what is this guy upto? Yeah, its true, I don’t have a confidante and that is what lacks badly in my life..

Being reserved by nature has worked against me and has never helped me in anyway… I see people going out of their way and sharing their view points, their emotions and thoughts, but I just can’t. It takes so much of time for me to open up…. I have so many things to say, but I just end up being silent.

Will I ever get anyone who will make me talk? Who’ll ever make me feel comfortable? Who’ll ever understand me in and out…?

Leaving aside my Mother, no one has yet understood me or no one has yet trie to understand me, something which I will repent. If I can take the pain of knowing someone, why can’t someone else?

I think it’s got to do with something more than a friend; I need more of a confidante than a friend to know me!

Peddat Road, Chems Corner – a beautiful area and amazing apartments – all sea facing just allured me and I was spellbound – beautifully decorated, well maintained and above all the sea and the beautiful pet dog of my aunt just added to the beauty of everything…

I believe no one is perfect – and I think I am one who will experience a lot of things and will be devoid of someone to share the experiences with – other that these blogs!

What I have now on my face is a Monalisa smile ! Can anyone help...?

Shameless change...

A screwed up score of 55%, a dark future still am smiling and enjoying each moment of my work and each moment of my life… It is so damn satisfying that I cannot even express… Marks and fat salary are so damn conventional! I think I am getting used to the concept of live in the present and deal with the future later…Enjoy the present…Don’t let the future worries spoil your wonderful and happy present life…! Also, don’t live in your past!

Life without tension can be so damn fun that I cannot even tell you… I don’t know if this change is welcome change or not but it makes me feel so different and so fresh everyday…

A decision which I have taken is that I would stick to the corporate world and I am not interested in academics any more… Have been into too much of it for the last 16 years so I think its time for something different and something new…

Marks cannot determine your life and it’s important that one should realize that… Career should be of utmost important but one should not mix their personal life and professional life… Career aspirations on one hand and personal aspirations on the other… Time management is important so that you do the right thing at the right time! I hope the smart ones have understood what I am trying to say…

I don’t want to get back to Delhi; I just hate that place…
Another thing, slow and romantic songs don’t make me sad anymore… It takes me to the dreamland where I can weave many beautiful dreams…Wish they come true!

Update....?

Wish if things will continue to work out smoothly at my end… Life without tension, anxiety and worries, who doesn’t look forward to such an life? The last two days were not comforting for me… My PG owner is closing down his PG business and so that means I have to search for a fresh accommodation once I get back to HELL– a major pain in the ass. But yes, the good thing is that this time I might get to choose an accommodation of my type – the type I had always wanted… But I shudder to go back and stay alone… I am scared at the thought of staying all alone with no one to talk and chat also… But I guess something good will come out of it this way or that way, so lets see what happens…

I will have to give a PPT next week – my first PPT and I am looking forward to it. It might not be all that creative and astounding, but as a fresher I will make an honest attempt to cover up the designing pitfalls with the content…

Have become a complete movie and pizza buff and can actually criticize some of the movies which I see these days…. Metro was a really good experience which reflects some of the complications of a modern life style, mid life crisis, extra marital affair, urge to earn money etc etc..… It actually shows some of my fears and anxiety that I might have to go through in future… But yes, on the whole a good movie which goes on to prove that not everyone in life is successful… Again being successful or not is a relative concept…

Ek Challis Ki Last Local – my biggest mistake to see that movie! So I better not waste the reader’s energy…

I think that’s it for the time being… More to come….Keep watching!

Be the change... Feel the difference...

Each moment brings to you an opportunity to realize your faults or stupidities and to do something new...

Sea brings to me immense pleasure and it brings back a lot of old and beautiful memories… Memories which I had buried long back and never wanted to remember flashes back, but surprisingly it doesn’t hurt me or affect me… It rather brings back a smile on my face… At times I am surprised to see the change, because these used to be the source of depression in my life and it doesn’t affect me adversely anymore! I smile when I remember them…

I have been lecturing people a lot these days as to how they should look at life and especially as to why its important to have a dynamic view of life. My aim is not to change their way or life or thinking, it is just an attempt to bring some happiness and excitement in their life… I don’t know if I’ll be misunderstood by any of them… I know this is not done and should not be a part of me, but a change is a gradual process…. I have started changing and complete change will take sometime….

Discos – they have been my off-late interest and I do want to check them out and I will. My parents will be a bit “aaaahhhhh” with the idea, but I guess everything should be tried once in life… I consider it as an experience and the more experience you have the better it is for you…The more matured you are and the more progressive you are…. Each moment is a learning experience and each moment brings to you so much to experience that you don’t want to waste your time on stupid mundane things in life….To meet new people, to implement new ideas, to think differently….and so on and so forth…The more new things and new ideas you are exposed to the wider will be your thought process…

What else…more to write… But…LATER!

Realizations...Experiences...News...

Speed boating, water skiing….could I ever think of these a year back? Looks and might sound scary but the adrenaline burst after the boating / skiing is just too intense… Your heart throbs and your hands become cold when you get on to that, but once you set sail, it’s just too much fun… Adventure is mostly fun… Will be (water) skiing next week and I hope that it is just another amazing experience to make you smile for a really long time, that feeling of satisfaction and that feeling of happiness can be had from these little adventures and happiness does not always come from big achievements…

To some people, satisfaction comes from enjoying someone else’s company, but to me satisfaction comes from small things in life which I have never done before, can come from something big also, but haven’t come across that big thing yet..!

It’s important that we keep alive the child in us so that our life is not dull and mundane… It’s important that we realize that there is a positive side of every negative thing happening and once we look at that positive side of the negative incident, life becomes more enjoyable and more fun filled and you become a more matured person and complete and you will get over with any negative down turn quickly, trust me it works!

That life is not just only a means of earning money and leading a conventional family life but that it involves a lot many things which one should experience and feel is so damn important for everyone to realize, and I pity those who do not realize this and make themselves a money making machine…. Why do we do something which everyone does, why not we try doing something that’s totally different and new, something which we never thought off before (refer to blog-entry about inhibitions)…. Enjoy each moment and see the beauty of it and feel the difference… Every moment brings to you an opportunity and it is upto us to make full use of it and achieve the most of it…

Now let me tell you all something other than my realizations (and philosophy), that is, I will now blabber about my work and how ‘bad’ is my mentor… Well, my guide is not actually bad at all. He is a lovely person who makes it a point that I actually understand each bit of everything that he assigns me and makes sure that I do all my desk work properly. So there is no scope I can fool him, and why should I, if I do it, it’ll be my loss. I am getting paid to learn something, so why not make most out of it… Its just that I sometimes feel irritated with the work load, but then again, this is NOTHING compared to what future has in store for me. So I should take a cue from this as to what my future can be like…

My office is damn cool and is definitely equipped with all the modern amenities one could think of. The food, as I was told, is not so marvelous, but yes, I am definitely getting to eat better food than what I get to eat in Delhi…

People here in Mumbai are very helpful and almost everyone will help you with the bus routes and train routes… Not only that they’ll make sure to remind you to get down at the right station when the station arrives they will also end up chatting with you, so much so that you will want them to keep shut after a point of time, can we think of this helpful attitude in Delhi? There people will probably send you in the opposite direction or will be very rude with you… There is a way of saying “I don’t know”, which Mumbai people will tell you sweetly but Delhi people won’t… Surely, Delhi is still a bad place to live and I would never ever want to settle there….

Love the sea, love the sound of the waves hitting the land and love the cool breeze…. After a long time I did had a meeting with the sea and didn’t want the meeting to be so short lived… Guess there will be another one in the near future and hope that it’ll be a real long one…!

Finally...

Finally I am in Mumbai…. The flight from Calcutta was very pleasant and extremely satisfying especially becasue of the hospitality of Kingfisher Airlines, which added cherry to the cake…Though the end of my short stay in Calcutta was really satisfying and I learnt a lot at the thirteenth hour, the start of my stay at Mumbai was not great simply because Kingfisher ‘lost’ my bag. However, it was not so and it was discovered where the bags were lying in about 90 minutes… So I learnt how to fight with airline officials and to do what when such a situation arises… Good, right? I am getting to face every situation and I kind of learning how to tackle them...Feels so good…

Accommodation is definitely better than my Delhi accommodation and the other flat mates and room mates are also accommodating. People in Mumbai are far better than those in Delhi and much more helpful. Auto drivers are also good and they don’t take you for a ride.... Weather is like Calcutta with pleasant evenings…Mumbai is a good place and I am loving(!) it. Could I ever think of going out at 2’o’clock in the night for a walk and for a drink in Calcutta; never! But I just went for it carefree without second thoughts, and it was nice to see how life works at night… There were loads of taxis and buses were plying and there were some food joints which were bustling with customers… And the weather then was just too good…! I haven’t checked out the night life of Mumbai, but I will very soon and will let you all know about it!

My joining has been postponed by a day and so I will get to see my swanky office tomorrow… So more about it tomorrow!

Since it was an off day for me, I went to my cousin’s place and I just loved the place… Wonderful design, good locality and amazing view…! Have decided one thing…no matter what, wherever I get posted in future, I will take up a good flat and stay… If you have a good place to stay you can do a lot of stuff… My own place to stay, my very own place to stay…

Mumbai trip till now has been satisfying and I have over come feelings like home sickness and all and it’s a good sign… And I also think I have started looking at the positive side of the bad things, what say?

Inhitions and promises...

Many of us enjoy seeing something taking place in front of our eyes and wonder wish if we could do something similar… Mostly we stop ourselves from doing that because of the age old inhibitions that is there inside us or which has been cultivated by us… Why can’t we do what we just want to do and be happy in life? Why can’t we just give away all out inhibitions and do which our heart wants us to do? Why do we always hold ourselves back? I am no exception, at least till sometime back I used to be what the others were like… Take for example the movie Honeymoon travels… The Bengali wife wanted to fly the parachute kind of thing and she did just that not caring about what others might think, though initially hesitant to go on the ride with the sari, her friend helped her to make her feel happy! Sometimes some words can do wonder… And when she came down, she was so happy and so satisfied that she didn’t even care that she was not wearing the right clothes… What I am trying to say is why we can’t do what we want to… Why can’t people who know that we would love to do something but just holding ourselves back give us that encouragement and spirit so that we do what we want to and thereby become smarter and confident? Also I wonder how genuine are the claims like, I am not scared of anything, do whatever you want to, I don’t care etc. etc. statements? Those who make those comments, are they not really scared about anything in life? The Mountain Dew advertisement tried to portray this idea very nicely and I kind of liked it and think it’s very true that everyone fears something or the other and we fear to do or perform the new things, the challenging task before us…Though our heart says ‘go go go…’ something just stops us… It may be the unknown fear which gropes us or inhibition about what others might think; mostly it’s the former if it’s something challenging or new… If we can give up that fear and try doing that new challenging thing, I am sure it’ll give all us immense happiness even if we do not succeed to perform the task…

The thing which I am trying to convey is to do what you want to… Don’t care what the society will think… Let them go to hell… But don’t do something out of the way too…!

And yes, have realized that promises are meant to be broken! Before I came to Delhi, some people promised to spend a lot of time with me, but then they were the ones who were very busy to attend the phone call even… Happens… :)

Complexities....

What defines me? This is something which has been going on in my mind, doesn’t carry much of meaning, but yeah I am trying to find an answer…

A quiet day spent thinking and the more I thought the more questions I had and I found the answers to most of them J… The other’s I am still looking for!

I abused the person who discovered the concept of suspicion, the concept of jealousy -- because it turns some of the best relations bitter, sour, acetic, salty etc etc... So much so that people stop talking, even stop seeing each others face and sometimes even turn their back! Have we ever thought of how much of space suspicion occupies in our heart / mind? What are the implications of occupying so much memory?

I know the consequences, because I have been the victim of suspicion both ways – have been suspected and have been suspecting. First, you become tremendously in secured about the person about whom you are suspicious. You have this suppressed anger, a billion questions to ask the person and with each passing moment the number of question increases, you are always irritated and that sweet smile which used to be there on your face is lost somewhere and you have a frown which is not at all appreciable… Negativity sets in and there is an urge to do something nasty (at times)… Now why do we suspect, well I have suspected because I was too hesitant to ask question thinking about what the other person might think and what could be the possible consequence of asking that question. Come on friends, let’s understand this simple thing that there is no harm asking questions and clarifying all the doubts that you might have... It prevents bitterness to creep in, it stops misunderstandings to set it (yes, suspicion is a major cause of misunderstandings) and so on and so forth... Those who are questioned, they feel that they are being suspected, but understand the insecurity / reason behind asking that question. Why can’t we make an attempt to help the other person get rid of this suspicion so that we all can live happily? We just need to talk to each other; we need to spend time with each other… Are we so busy that we cannot even spend some time with our loved ones? Well, spending less time is definitely not the only reason for suspicion… And yes, there can be instances where one suspects the other without any rhyme or reason, I really don’t know how to deal with those, but would like to know such a ‘creature’ for a very short span of time…Because in the long run, they can be a major pain!

I have realized that it’s always a good deal to speak your mind and get the answer of all the questions that you might have… I have seen that suspicion arising out of spending less time, the anger; the frustration arising out not getting the adequate attention can be taken care of if we spend some time with the loved one….! Getting your doubts clarified can get you back that beautiful smile, can give you back that mental peace and can make you happy and make you love…

I have realized that no matter how big we become, we need to spend time with someone… But for me, who is this someone? I am yet to hit the bull’s eye…

My eyes are still hunting for that someone…

Be the change...

I don’t know in what ways I have changed over the last one year but one thing is for sure that I continue to be still lonely and still live alone. I still continue to talk less and don’t reveal myself. I don’t mind staying alone, but loneliness is not desirable. This loneliness or staying alone has helped me explore myself better and has made my ambitions and how to achieve them clearer. I now have a better perspective of life and a better understanding of how things work and are likely to work in the future. Making sense, or too philosophical? Me and philosophical, well I better not say anything.

My trip to Calcutta has been a pleasant one so far where I met up everyone and realized how people have changed over time. Ok, let me put it this way, may be they were that way but I didn’t realize that they were such. Some people continue to be the same and have that genuineness while others look and sound extremely materialistic and selfish / opportunist, so much so that you start hating them after a point of time. But yes, its nice observing them and understanding the fact that you have realized the fact that they are not what you thought them to be or they have changed. What makes me sad is that the people whom I thought to be really selfish a year or two back are not actually so. I never took them on their face value but now I repent that I should have taken them on their face values. This trip has been interesting in terms of me loosing self control and indulging in some not so pleasant acts, leaving me feeling guilty for quite sometime! There are a few people who claim that they know me, but I wonder if they really know me or they are just trying to be nice to me or they are making an honest effort to know me and understand me. They feel that I am very predictable and easy to be understood, but have they ever peeped into my thought process ever, no I guess! Ok, may be they understand some parts of me, so I should not try to falsify their claims. Also I want this year and my last two semesters in DSE to pass by smoothly and healthily because it means a lot to me, primarily because I have woven a dream in the last two days and I can make it come true only if I manage to exist successfully in DSE.

I have also promised to myself to take a different view of life, to accept people the way they are not change them in anyway, something which I did all these years. Have promised myself to start implementing the policy of live and let live policy, which I believed but never implemented! Have promised myself to enjoy life and enjoy the little things in life and look at the positive side of it.

To make this list of long promises short, I am tired of myself and want to rejuvenate myself completely and want to evolve as a new person a new human being…

Lets see where I land up in the coming two months and how far can I change myself in these months. But yes new place, new people and new environment should help me change myself..

And yeah, those concrete and abstract thoughts will show up soon in this space, interested ones can keep watching this place!